Yet another product pitch!

Do you have schizophrenia? Do you suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder? Do you relate highly to Megadeth's "Sweating Bullets"? If you've answered yes to any of the above questions, this is the phone for you!
Yup! Your different lives now have meaning! It's a Phone for the everyman, and by everyman I mean every man living inside you.

With this phone's complex features, you can keep track of your different lives everytime! Did the John Wilkes Booth in you kill a president? With this phone's MultiTrak™ Life tracking system, you'll be able to know what they've all been doing!

I fucking hate MS Paint.

From now on, you won't be hearing voices, you'll be receiving Text Messages!

If you call and order right now, find a therapist and get some help, quickly!