P.S.

Thanks sis for "Pimping me" in your blog, I shall now return the favor.

Crush With Eyeliner, awsumness, in blog form.

The Five Commandments of a Reality Show Narrator

All over TV you see shows like, "The World's Most Amazing Videos" or "Most Shocking", these reality shows concentrate on videos of criminal behavior and the like. One thing that gives this genre life is the almighty narrator, you never see his face... but he's always watching. One thing I've noticed is that they all follow a certain pattern, I have decoded these and I am presenting them to you now, one major follower is Sheriff John Bunnell.

Grrrrr, dun mess wid me, Ahm from Oregon

1. Thou shalt have an unfeeling accent, clearly void of any human emotion.

If you listen to all narrators, they seem to have graduated from the same college of speech. They always seem to have one known accent, and that is "Tough Dude Clearly Void of Any Human Emotion".

John Bunnell doing his thing

2. Thou shalt always have a full arsenal of cringe-worthy puns.

Actual example I remember from Most Shocking "This criminal who stole a truck full of bread is now... TOAST!" I... I don't even know what to say. The sheer retardation of that statement was overwhelming.

3. Thou shalt use big adjectives to make things sound a lot lot worse.

Whenever the mighty narrator starts a video he always starts with something like "A criminal robs a convenience store... AND GOES BERSERK/BALLISTIC!!!!!!!". Whenever he ends he says something like, "Fortunately, no one was hurt when they experienced... HELL ON EARTH!!!" which brings me directly to...

4. Thou shalt always sound contemptuous when nobody in the video gets hurt/dies.

They may not be vocal about it but you can sense it. Whenever they say "Nobody was injured" you can feel in their voice that their saying something like "No one died?! What kind of a pussy explosion was that?!" Or maybe it's the "void of human emotion thing".

5. Thou shalt always overreact.

Probably THE single most important thing a "serious" narrator has to pull off is hiding his False Enthusiasm, but everyone hears it anyway... because they lack emotion... because they're not human... because they're WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW.

On that bombshell I have to end but not without a Special Parting Gift.

Prolly the most creative dessert I've eaten

I am a massive sweet tooth, (teeth if you're really counting). My first love, I can recall, is a bar of Hershey's... or a big glass of apple juice.Anyway, I am disheartened by the fact that Hershey's are changing a key ingredient in their products, they've swapped cocoa butter for vegetable oil, the change may save the company money but at the huge price of changing a taste which molded childhoods around the world.

My reaction shortly after hearing the news.

But that's for another article.

What I'm going to talk about now is this:

What is it? Is it another UWE BOLL... Whoops, got carried away there. Have you guessed? It's Ice cream sushi, the restaurant calls it "Frozen Maki" and trust me, it is frozen, if you have sensitive teeth, best to let it thaw first. "Ice cream sushi?!" you may ask and yes it really is. The wrapping is some kind of bread and the inside is vanilla ice cream with a mango slice inside, the dipping sauce is Hershey's (R.I.P. Cocoa butter era Hershey's) Chocolate syrup. At Congo Grille you can get this for... Eh, dad pays for the lunch, how am I supposed to know? It comes in five pieces, and it even comes with one of those fake grass thingies!

Taste, the most important aspect of any dessert. How does this one fare? Average, nothing really special. I mean, it's just Selecta vanilla ice cream wrapped in bread with a mango slice in the middle! Well, maybe for the extreme sweet-tooth like me, it comes up short on the sweetness scale, but for (ahem) normal people, this could be just fine.

This dessert will be judged according to the Iron chef Criteria. 10 points for presentation, 10 points for originality, and a maximum of 20 points for taste.

Presentation: 9/10
It is presented on a neat little sushi plate, it doesn't get any better than that.

Originality: 8/10
Have you ever seen one of these before? You have? erm...

Taste: 9/20
Pretty bland for my liking

Overall: 26/40
A fun little dessert that has little more to offer than a cool idea.

Death Magnetic 2

Metallica, I bought your new album yesterday and I must say, it.. is... freaking... AWESOME! This is a huge step up from St. Anger (it makes me squeamish just saying that... St Anger, eughh). There are finally guitar solos! The change of producers has definitely made a big change, so long Bob Rock! They'll hopefully keep Rick Rubin for a long time to come.

The great thing about this is that Metallica has definitely gone back to their roots but I can't say that its quite up there with Master and the Black Album although it's pretty damn close. There's a hint of every Metallica in every song, ...And Justice for all Metallica for instance, can be found on their single "The Day That Never Comes", it follows the same structure of "One", starts quiet and beyond the middle, it's thrash all the way. I get a bit of a Black Album vibe with "Cyanide" it follows more on heavy metal than thrash. Metallica have followed the previous tradition of putting an instrumental song in this album, like "Orion" for Master and "The Call of Ktulu" for Ride the Lightning, by putting in "Suicide and Redemption" 10 minutes of pure 'Tallica. Speaking of Metallica tradition, they have made "The Unforgiven III", it has that distinct Unforgiven sound, slow but heavy. The Lyrical theme of "The Judas Kiss" does sound a lot like Master of Puppets, the line "Bow down, sell your soul to me, I will set you free" does sound like "Come crawling faster, obey your master" and "Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings".

The album is fairly long despite only having ten songs, their shortest song clocks in at 5:01. The album is definitely a good buy for any Metallica fan, the album starts with That Was Just Your Life and never goes downhill, definitely a breath of fresh air from all the music on the mainstream today.

Uwe Boll?!

Ok, you may notice that in some articles, I make fun of Uwe Boll. Before I receive a backlash of LEAVE UWE BOLL ALONE! Hate mail (From the undeniably few people who read my blog) I want you to get to know him first.

Fact #1: All three of the movies he released in the U.S. are in the IMDb bottom 100.

Fact#2: All of his movies are certified "Rotten" in Rotten Tomatoes.

Fact#3: His name's not pronouned "Huey", to know how to pronounce his name, click here.

Fact#4: He is an arrogant piece of fuck that is clearly a waste of human organs.

Fact#5: He's been raping our favorite games and turing them into horrible movie adaptations.

Fact#6: So horrible that a petition has been put up to stop him, Uwe says that if it reaches 1,000,000 signatures he will retire. What are you waiting for? Sign up and stop this abomination to mankind.

I think that's enough for now. Anywho, he's making a new movie, yes, a new movie. This so-called "movie" is going to be based on the game FarCry. It pains me to see such a good game be turned into an hour or more of sheer mindfuck that will pierce your pshyche because you haven't seen a movie that bad. It will undeniably be a rapefest for all of our unfortunate human eyeballs to gaze upon, causing excruciating pain and mental scarring for an eternity to come. Although there is a 0.00000001 percent chance that this movie will be good, if that happens, the apocalypse is among us. Only a few things can be said kindly about this man, all of them escape me right now, well there is the... Wait, no. How about the... Nope. Nothing.

Please Mr. Boll, if you will decide to make another movie, don't... Just don't. Save all of humanity from overwhelming mediocrity that will not only be an insult to the art of filmmaking, but also a blow to all of humanitie's balls as well.