Thursday, June 4, 2009
I'm alive.
To the single person reading this post right now, I just wanted to say that I'm still lurking about on the interbutts, I just haven't found the time to do anything worthwhile with this god forsaken blog. I've had some ideas, some I've wanted to try but have been a bit reluctant because some family members read this blog, what I wanted to do was low brow and... yeah. I hate having to do this because I hate censorship, and doing this I see myself effectively censoring myself. I have no clue what to do now, maybe when the time comes, I'll write something so fucking good that it will change the course of history forever, but that's for another time.
So, yeah. See you around.
So, yeah. See you around.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Fine Dining
I am so uninspired... My creative juice seems to have run out after the 30th post or so. But I'll try to write this as best as I can.
Fine dining is like taking a course in Quantum Physics, there are so many things to take into account, so many things to try and make sense of. It's complicated and in extremes, unpractical. I'll be delving into the inner works of fine dining in a minute.
I was inspired to write this when there was this social gathering at our college last night, one of the guests was a woman who trains people to be sophisticated. I couldn't believe how many rules you have to memorize when partaking in the taboo art of fine dining. It's almost like a foreign language.
First problem comes right away when our speaker said that there's even a correct way to sit! It has to be from the right side of the chair against your left thigh. And when you sit, you have to feel the chair in the back of your legs because it's impolite to look back at your chair. THEN when you finally do sit, you have to start from the edge of the chair because it's impolite to sit at the center of the damned chair right away! When you make your way to the center, you can't shimmy in, you have to slide in, and don't forget to point that chest to the sky! She did say something about the right way to pull your chair in but I forgot because I was fucking spacing out! So many things to memorize just to sit! What ever happened to:
a.) Pull chair out of table
b.) Sit on said chair
c.) Pull chair to table
I swear, fine dining will be the death of me!
But alas, you have just sat at the table. Your journey has just begun young Padawan.
After sitting you have to set your napkin, if it is a dinner napkin you have to fold it, don't forget to put the folded side towards your body!
Hmmm, easy enough maybe this won't be so bad.
But then, no! In front of you, you see a plethora of dining apparatuses. Which one do you get? Do you ignore all the small ones and just use the biggest knife and fork for all the courses? Was Uncle Bob's advice of "Bigger is always better" actually correct? NO, you uncultured fool! Each utensil is meant to be used for a specific course, you have your appetizer fork, soup spoon, butter knife, steak knife, salad fork, dessert spoon, gun sword, death ray, and Doomsday Device!
You thought I was kidding about that?
Fine dining is like taking a course in Quantum Physics, there are so many things to take into account, so many things to try and make sense of. It's complicated and in extremes, unpractical. I'll be delving into the inner works of fine dining in a minute.
I was inspired to write this when there was this social gathering at our college last night, one of the guests was a woman who trains people to be sophisticated. I couldn't believe how many rules you have to memorize when partaking in the taboo art of fine dining. It's almost like a foreign language.
First problem comes right away when our speaker said that there's even a correct way to sit! It has to be from the right side of the chair against your left thigh. And when you sit, you have to feel the chair in the back of your legs because it's impolite to look back at your chair. THEN when you finally do sit, you have to start from the edge of the chair because it's impolite to sit at the center of the damned chair right away! When you make your way to the center, you can't shimmy in, you have to slide in, and don't forget to point that chest to the sky! She did say something about the right way to pull your chair in but I forgot because I was fucking spacing out! So many things to memorize just to sit! What ever happened to:
a.) Pull chair out of table
b.) Sit on said chair
c.) Pull chair to table
I swear, fine dining will be the death of me!
But alas, you have just sat at the table. Your journey has just begun young Padawan.
After sitting you have to set your napkin, if it is a dinner napkin you have to fold it, don't forget to put the folded side towards your body!
Hmmm, easy enough maybe this won't be so bad.
But then, no! In front of you, you see a plethora of dining apparatuses. Which one do you get? Do you ignore all the small ones and just use the biggest knife and fork for all the courses? Was Uncle Bob's advice of "Bigger is always better" actually correct? NO, you uncultured fool! Each utensil is meant to be used for a specific course, you have your appetizer fork, soup spoon, butter knife, steak knife, salad fork, dessert spoon, gun sword, death ray, and Doomsday Device!
You thought I was kidding about that?
So many things to choose from, but whatever happened to:
That? Just that? Why do I need to have a degree in etiquette if I just want to eat? Why must you deprive me of a basic need because I can't tell my salad fork from my dinner fork?
While eating you have to choose from two styles of how to hold your utensils, you can choose from either the American or European style. In the American style, you have to eat with your knife in your right hand and your fork at your left, after slicing the food transfer the fork to your right hand and only then will you partake in the consumption of your sustenance for the evening. European style sees the utensils placed in the same hand but there is no need to transfer the fork. The catch, though, is that you have to keep the fork bristles (what do they call those things anyway?) facing down the whole time. Why? Why can't I eat like a normal human being? In the weird world of fine dining, there is no "Normal".
Fine dining sucks, whoever invented it was a total douche.
That? Just that? Why do I need to have a degree in etiquette if I just want to eat? Why must you deprive me of a basic need because I can't tell my salad fork from my dinner fork?While eating you have to choose from two styles of how to hold your utensils, you can choose from either the American or European style. In the American style, you have to eat with your knife in your right hand and your fork at your left, after slicing the food transfer the fork to your right hand and only then will you partake in the consumption of your sustenance for the evening. European style sees the utensils placed in the same hand but there is no need to transfer the fork. The catch, though, is that you have to keep the fork bristles (what do they call those things anyway?) facing down the whole time. Why? Why can't I eat like a normal human being? In the weird world of fine dining, there is no "Normal".
Then after eating you have to contend with even more manners! Will the nightmare ever end? But don't worry young apprentice, your journey is almost over and now you can achieve enlightenment and become a Jedi master of the Fine dining! When you're done with your meal you have to place the utensils parallel to each other in the plate, there is the 3 and 4 o' clock, to signal that your meal is over. If you want to clean your mouth, you have to pat the napkin on your mouth, don't swipe across it like one of those uncouth cavemen who dine normally. Proceed to stand up, push your chair back, and hurriedly leave the establishment.
Congratulations, Young One! You are now a master of the fine dining!
Congratulations, Young One! You are now a master of the fine dining!
Fine dining sucks, whoever invented it was a total douche.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
The 4 Weirdest Beatles Lyrics
Ahh, the Beatles. How I love their music... Considering almost half of all their songs were written on acid. This gives us some of the most mind boggling, mind-fucking lyrics of all time.
#4.) While my Guitar Gently Weeps
The Incriminating Line:
"I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping
Still my guitar gently weeps"
What's Wrong With It?:
That's one pussy of a guitar! "Oh the floor's so dirty! I think I'll cry now..." Oh come on! Be a man for once! For some reason John Lennon's guitar is traumatized by filth, or it suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
#3.) I am the Walrus
The Incriminating Line:
"Yellow matter custard
Dripping from a dead dog's eye"
What's Wrong With It?:
Oh God! I don't even want to picture this! If dead dogs start crying custard, hell would be frozen over.
Oh shit...
#2.) Maxwell's Silver Hammer
The Incriminating Line:
"Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer
Came down upon her head
Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead"
What's Wrong With It?:
In a song described by McCartney himself as a "Happy song about murder", that's pretty much the gist of the whole song right there. Maxwell Edison kills his girlfriend (or love interest), his teacher, and the judge that presided over his trial, the disturbing part is the uppity mood that the Beatles present (or Paul at least, the rest hated it).
#1.) Revolution 9
The Incriminating Line:
THE WHOLE DAMNED SONG!
What's Wrong With It?:
The real question would be "What's NOT wrong with it?". The whole song is an avant-garde piece that takes you to musical hell and back. This song is so disturbing and scary that it sounds like that song your record would play by itself in a horror movie. I've only listened to the first two minutes and I had to back out. It's guaranteed to make you go crazy after listening to the whole thing.
Don't let this happen to you!
#4.) While my Guitar Gently Weeps
The Incriminating Line:
"I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping
Still my guitar gently weeps"
What's Wrong With It?:
That's one pussy of a guitar! "Oh the floor's so dirty! I think I'll cry now..." Oh come on! Be a man for once! For some reason John Lennon's guitar is traumatized by filth, or it suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
#3.) I am the Walrus
The Incriminating Line:
"Yellow matter custard
Dripping from a dead dog's eye"
What's Wrong With It?:
Oh God! I don't even want to picture this! If dead dogs start crying custard, hell would be frozen over.
Oh shit...#2.) Maxwell's Silver Hammer
The Incriminating Line:
"Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer
Came down upon her head
Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead"
What's Wrong With It?:
In a song described by McCartney himself as a "Happy song about murder", that's pretty much the gist of the whole song right there. Maxwell Edison kills his girlfriend (or love interest), his teacher, and the judge that presided over his trial, the disturbing part is the uppity mood that the Beatles present (or Paul at least, the rest hated it).
#1.) Revolution 9
The Incriminating Line:
THE WHOLE DAMNED SONG!
What's Wrong With It?:
The real question would be "What's NOT wrong with it?". The whole song is an avant-garde piece that takes you to musical hell and back. This song is so disturbing and scary that it sounds like that song your record would play by itself in a horror movie. I've only listened to the first two minutes and I had to back out. It's guaranteed to make you go crazy after listening to the whole thing.
Don't let this happen to you!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Tokyo Gore Police
Last Sunday I watched something... A low budget Japanese movie called, "Tokyo Gore Police"
All I can say is... WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH?! This movie reaches into the inner sanctum of your psyche, bounds, gags, then rapes it till there's nothing left, all doing this while looking down at you with its sardonic smile... And I loved it.
"But Mark you charismatic stallion" you may be asking yourself, "how can you love a movie like this?". That is because, ignorant reader, that first, it lives up to its name, there's gonna be a gory scene every five seconds, and second, its cramped with more What-The-Fuck?! moments than any Japanese thing I've seen! That's saying a lot. Among these WTF?! moments are, a guy who rips the half top of his head to reveal his brain that has a gun! A FUCKING GUN... IN HIS BRAIN! The gun fires brain bullets, you heard that right. There's a girl who melts the person she's fighting by spraying acid from her amputated breasts... I... I don't know why. But the most WTF?! worthy moment in the movie is a guy who can fly around using the gushing blood from his amputated legs, I'm not fucking making this up. There are millions more, but watch the movie to see them, I ain't gonna be spoiling much.
See, in this movie, a new breed of humans called "engineers" have spawned, their special ability is turning any newly cut off limb into a weapon, ala "Brain Gun dude" up there. This leads to all the cinematic mindfuck that you are about to experience. In this movie, about twenty seconds in, your treated to your first gore scene, a guy who gets his head blown off, and it never goes downhill after that.
In conclusion, watch it. Just do it. And bonus points to anyone who won't say "What The Fuck?!" throughout the entire movie.
All I can say is... WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH?! This movie reaches into the inner sanctum of your psyche, bounds, gags, then rapes it till there's nothing left, all doing this while looking down at you with its sardonic smile... And I loved it."But Mark you charismatic stallion" you may be asking yourself, "how can you love a movie like this?". That is because, ignorant reader, that first, it lives up to its name, there's gonna be a gory scene every five seconds, and second, its cramped with more What-The-Fuck?! moments than any Japanese thing I've seen! That's saying a lot. Among these WTF?! moments are, a guy who rips the half top of his head to reveal his brain that has a gun! A FUCKING GUN... IN HIS BRAIN! The gun fires brain bullets, you heard that right. There's a girl who melts the person she's fighting by spraying acid from her amputated breasts... I... I don't know why. But the most WTF?! worthy moment in the movie is a guy who can fly around using the gushing blood from his amputated legs, I'm not fucking making this up. There are millions more, but watch the movie to see them, I ain't gonna be spoiling much.
See, in this movie, a new breed of humans called "engineers" have spawned, their special ability is turning any newly cut off limb into a weapon, ala "Brain Gun dude" up there. This leads to all the cinematic mindfuck that you are about to experience. In this movie, about twenty seconds in, your treated to your first gore scene, a guy who gets his head blown off, and it never goes downhill after that.
In conclusion, watch it. Just do it. And bonus points to anyone who won't say "What The Fuck?!" throughout the entire movie.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Pancake House's secret meal combo
My dad and I ate at Pancake House recently and I discovered something a bit... strange
Look at the Amount Due... 666!... and forty-three cents but Six Six Six nonetheless! So remember, if you want to order the Meal from Hell Special just take a look at this.
You think Pancake House has some secret ties with the Satanist church? Hmmm, "Pancake House, home cooked meals, FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"
Pancake House's CEO
Look at the Amount Due... 666!... and forty-three cents but Six Six Six nonetheless! So remember, if you want to order the Meal from Hell Special just take a look at this.You think Pancake House has some secret ties with the Satanist church? Hmmm, "Pancake House, home cooked meals, FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"
Pancake House's CEO
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The Spirit
I... I don't know why, but I feel so compelled to write a review for this movie.
The Spirit. The Critics loathed it, I loved it. Why? Because its so damned outrageous. Its a tongue-in-cheek, campy, funny, cartoonish movie. There's a certain charm when the Spirit aimlessly talks to himself, narrating his plan, it's a bit corny but that's what makes it great. Samuel L. Jackson (and his clone lackeys) stole the show with the comedy they provide throughout the movie, the Samurai Scene is by far my favorite scene. You can tell Samuel Jackson was having fun throughout the whole thing. The gritty narration is a throwback to all the old noir detective movies where they too, talk to themselves while looking at the camera.
At the time when most superhero movies are all out serious (I'm looking at you Dark Knight... insert "why so serious" joke here) This is just... fun, what superhero movies are supposed to be. Think Adam West's Batman of the 60's, this is like that. Campy, cartoonish, outrageous, and just plain funny. This is kind of like the Anti Dark Knight in a way.
Its maybe because I'm just sixteen, but I loved this movie. Its the noir and (Much to my chagrin, I have to use this word again) ourtrageous comedy that makes it great. The film is not supposed to be a comedy movie so don't expect any slapstick if that's what you were hoping.
Final Say: It's funny, cartoonish, and unusual. Watch it.
The Spirit. The Critics loathed it, I loved it. Why? Because its so damned outrageous. Its a tongue-in-cheek, campy, funny, cartoonish movie. There's a certain charm when the Spirit aimlessly talks to himself, narrating his plan, it's a bit corny but that's what makes it great. Samuel L. Jackson (and his clone lackeys) stole the show with the comedy they provide throughout the movie, the Samurai Scene is by far my favorite scene. You can tell Samuel Jackson was having fun throughout the whole thing. The gritty narration is a throwback to all the old noir detective movies where they too, talk to themselves while looking at the camera.
At the time when most superhero movies are all out serious (I'm looking at you Dark Knight... insert "why so serious" joke here) This is just... fun, what superhero movies are supposed to be. Think Adam West's Batman of the 60's, this is like that. Campy, cartoonish, outrageous, and just plain funny. This is kind of like the Anti Dark Knight in a way.
Its maybe because I'm just sixteen, but I loved this movie. Its the noir and (Much to my chagrin, I have to use this word again) ourtrageous comedy that makes it great. The film is not supposed to be a comedy movie so don't expect any slapstick if that's what you were hoping.
Final Say: It's funny, cartoonish, and unusual. Watch it.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Yet another product pitch!
Do you have schizophrenia? Do you suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder? Do you relate highly to Megadeth's "Sweating Bullets"? If you've answered yes to any of the above questions, this is the phone for you!
Yup! Your different lives now have meaning! It's a Phone for the everyman, and by everyman I mean every man living inside you.
With this phone's complex features, you can keep track of your different lives everytime! Did the John Wilkes Booth in you kill a president? With this phone's MultiTrak™ Life tracking system, you'll be able to know what they've all been doing!
I fucking hate MS Paint.
From now on, you won't be hearing voices, you'll be receiving Text Messages!
If you call and order right now, find a therapist and get some help, quickly!
Yup! Your different lives now have meaning! It's a Phone for the everyman, and by everyman I mean every man living inside you.With this phone's complex features, you can keep track of your different lives everytime! Did the John Wilkes Booth in you kill a president? With this phone's MultiTrak™ Life tracking system, you'll be able to know what they've all been doing!
I fucking hate MS Paint.
From now on, you won't be hearing voices, you'll be receiving Text Messages!
If you call and order right now, find a therapist and get some help, quickly!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
New year.
Well, it's '09. Got a new look for the blog and... other stuff.
Every year comes the inevitable question, "What will your new years resolution be?". I am sick of hearing this. I have never, nor will I ever, make a new years resolution, you know why? Because we almost never fulfill them anyway. I mean, has last years resolution of "lose more weight" and "Drink less" or even "quit smoking" ever come true? Maybe a small percent of you have but then again, maybe not. If I were to make myself a resolution, it would be "I vow to never make another new years resolution again... EVER." At this point I'll drink to my hearts content to the point where I can't even remember my name. Speaking of drunkenness in new year, do you think this is the reason people never follow through with their resolutions? I mean, most of us drink in new year and maybe we're so drunk that the next day we don't remember the resolution we made!
My point? New years resolutions suck. They serve no purpose as to make you feel bad about yourself next new year when you remembered your last promise.
Maybe my next article will be more uplifting.
Every year comes the inevitable question, "What will your new years resolution be?". I am sick of hearing this. I have never, nor will I ever, make a new years resolution, you know why? Because we almost never fulfill them anyway. I mean, has last years resolution of "lose more weight" and "Drink less" or even "quit smoking" ever come true? Maybe a small percent of you have but then again, maybe not. If I were to make myself a resolution, it would be "I vow to never make another new years resolution again... EVER." At this point I'll drink to my hearts content to the point where I can't even remember my name. Speaking of drunkenness in new year, do you think this is the reason people never follow through with their resolutions? I mean, most of us drink in new year and maybe we're so drunk that the next day we don't remember the resolution we made!
My point? New years resolutions suck. They serve no purpose as to make you feel bad about yourself next new year when you remembered your last promise.
Maybe my next article will be more uplifting.
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