Sunday, October 23, 2011

Wait, what?



Thursday, June 4, 2009


I'm sick of using 300 parodies as my header image.

I'm alive.

To the single person reading this post right now, I just wanted to say that I'm still lurking about on the interbutts, I just haven't found the time to do anything worthwhile with this god forsaken blog. I've had some ideas, some I've wanted to try but have been a bit reluctant because some family members read this blog, what I wanted to do was low brow and... yeah. I hate having to do this because I hate censorship, and doing this I see myself effectively censoring myself. I have no clue what to do now, maybe when the time comes, I'll write something so fucking good that it will change the course of history forever, but that's for another time.

So, yeah. See you around.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Fine Dining

I am so uninspired... My creative juice seems to have run out after the 30th post or so. But I'll try to write this as best as I can.

Fine dining is like taking a course in Quantum Physics, there are so many things to take into account, so many things to try and make sense of. It's complicated and in extremes, unpractical. I'll be delving into the inner works of fine dining in a minute.

I was inspired to write this when there was this social gathering at our college last night, one of the guests was a woman who trains people to be sophisticated. I couldn't believe how many rules you have to memorize when partaking in the taboo art of fine dining. It's almost like a foreign language.

First problem comes right away when our speaker said that there's even a correct way to sit! It has to be from the right side of the chair against your left thigh. And when you sit, you have to feel the chair in the back of your legs because it's impolite to look back at your chair. THEN when you finally do sit, you have to start from the edge of the chair because it's impolite to sit at the center of the damned chair right away! When you make your way to the center, you can't shimmy in, you have to slide in, and don't forget to point that chest to the sky! She did say something about the right way to pull your chair in but I forgot because I was fucking spacing out! So many things to memorize just to sit! What ever happened to:
a.) Pull chair out of table
b.) Sit on said chair
c.) Pull chair to table

I swear, fine dining will be the death of me!

But alas, you have just sat at the table. Your journey has just begun young Padawan.

After sitting you have to set your napkin, if it is a dinner napkin you have to fold it, don't forget to put the folded side towards your body!

Hmmm, easy enough maybe this won't be so bad.

But then, no! In front of you, you see a plethora of dining apparatuses. Which one do you get? Do you ignore all the small ones and just use the biggest knife and fork for all the courses? Was Uncle Bob's advice of "Bigger is always better" actually correct? NO, you uncultured fool! Each utensil is meant to be used for a specific course, you have your appetizer fork, soup spoon, butter knife, steak knife, salad fork, dessert spoon, gun sword, death ray, and Doomsday Device!

You thought I was kidding about that?

So many things to choose from, but whatever happened to:
That? Just that? Why do I need to have a degree in etiquette if I just want to eat? Why must you deprive me of a basic need because I can't tell my salad fork from my dinner fork?

While eating you have to choose from two styles of how to hold your utensils, you can choose from either the American or European style. In the American style, you have to eat with your knife in your right hand and your fork at your left, after slicing the food transfer the fork to your right hand and only then will you partake in the consumption of your sustenance for the evening. European style sees the utensils placed in the same hand but there is no need to transfer the fork. The catch, though, is that you have to keep the fork bristles (what do they call those things anyway?) facing down the whole time. Why? Why can't I eat like a normal human being? In the weird world of fine dining, there is no "Normal".

Then after eating you have to contend with even more manners! Will the nightmare ever end? But don't worry young apprentice, your journey is almost over and now you can achieve enlightenment and become a Jedi master of the Fine dining! When you're done with your meal you have to place the utensils parallel to each other in the plate, there is the 3 and 4 o' clock, to signal that your meal is over. If you want to clean your mouth, you have to pat the napkin on your mouth, don't swipe across it like one of those uncouth cavemen who dine normally. Proceed to stand up, push your chair back, and hurriedly leave the establishment.

Congratulations, Young One! You are now a master of the fine dining!

Fine dining sucks, whoever invented it was a total douche.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The 4 Weirdest Beatles Lyrics

Ahh, the Beatles. How I love their music... Considering almost half of all their songs were written on acid. This gives us some of the most mind boggling, mind-fucking lyrics of all time.

#4.) While my Guitar Gently Weeps
The Incriminating Line:
"I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping
Still my guitar gently weeps"

What's Wrong With It?:
That's one pussy of a guitar! "Oh the floor's so dirty! I think I'll cry now..." Oh come on! Be a man for once! For some reason John Lennon's guitar is traumatized by filth, or it suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

#3.) I am the Walrus
The Incriminating Line:
"Yellow matter custard
Dripping from a dead dog's eye"

What's Wrong With It?:
Oh God! I don't even want to picture this! If dead dogs start crying custard, hell would be frozen over.
Oh shit...

#2.) Maxwell's Silver Hammer
The Incriminating Line:
"Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer
Came down upon her head
Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead"

What's Wrong With It?:
In a song described by McCartney himself as a "Happy song about murder", that's pretty much the gist of the whole song right there. Maxwell Edison kills his girlfriend (or love interest), his teacher, and the judge that presided over his trial, the disturbing part is the uppity mood that the Beatles present (or Paul at least, the rest hated it).

#1.) Revolution 9
The Incriminating Line:

What's Wrong With It?:
The real question would be "What's NOT wrong with it?". The whole song is an avant-garde piece that takes you to musical hell and back. This song is so disturbing and scary that it sounds like that song your record would play by itself in a horror movie. I've only listened to the first two minutes and I had to back out. It's guaranteed to make you go crazy after listening to the whole thing.

Don't let this happen to you!